好色先生TV

(Second of three parts in an depth series. 好色先生TV reached out to two of the men who were subjects of online call-outs in the first report. Only one of them granted a request for interview.)

Bryan* was as surprised as anyone when he was called out for sexual misconduct in 2019.

Trish*, his once-best friend, accused him of 鈥渢aking advantage鈥� of her five years ago when she was passed-out drunk. She claimed that he had not owned up the act and that their group of friends failed to listen to her.

鈥淏efore [the] New Year, people were saying in the music scene, 鈥楤ryan is such a gentleman,鈥欌�� recalled Trish. 鈥淢y friend who knew [about the rape] said to the manager, what if he did this? She said 鈥榥o, he would never do that.鈥欌��

Trish鈥檚 Instagram post, meant for only friends who knew them both, made the rounds on Twitter in large part because Bryan was part of an indie band on the rise with a respectable following.

Bryan, a 25-year-old engineer, told 好色先生TV he sensed something like this could happen鈥� in 2017, sexual misconduct allegations against members of indie bands surfaced as the #MeToo movement exploded globally.

During that period, he confessed to his girlfriend of two years his past act, so 鈥渟he wouldn鈥檛 be surprised鈥� in the event of a call-out. Though she was upset at first, he said she understood and knew he was not 鈥渢hat kind of person.鈥�

Now facing the music in 2019, he worried about how it would impact him and those close to him. 鈥淚 wasn鈥檛 angry at her. You should be free to express yourself if someone bothers you,鈥� he said of his initial reaction.

He wondered if people would think of him differently. Bryan decided to leave the band he had formed in high school and with whom he had been with in weekly gigs.

He messaged Trish an apology after the call-out. 鈥淚 said, 鈥業鈥檓 sorry that she still felt like this, I always thought it鈥檚 OK, but that was my mistake. I wish I could鈥檝e handled it better so she didn鈥檛 have to feel like this now.鈥欌��

He got a response and before he could reply, she had blocked him. He recalled, 鈥淚 remember it was still angry, 鈥榊ou only care now because this happened.鈥� Understandably.鈥�

The fallout

Bryan admitted that he could not bring himself to tell Trish what he did to her while she was unconscious. As Trish told 好色先生TV, she found out about the incident months after, from a friend who assumed they had had sex after she had gotten drunk.

Their friendship ended after she confronted him about it, and according to him, he apologized to her. She would still contact him in the months after about how upset she was and eventually they were no longer on speaking terms.

Trish said in their few interactions after confronting him, Bryan would tell her he was hurting too and would beg her not to tell anyone. At one point, he said, 鈥淗uwag ka mag-feeling.鈥�

Bryan said he changed his behavior after the incident. 鈥淚 try to be more aware of my place. I drank less. I became more awkward with social interactions especially with women. I still felt guilty, I still do.鈥�

鈥淚 tried to be more open with [consent], [like asking] 鈥檚orry, is this making you uncomfortable?鈥�. Not just consent but I became more aware how my presence affected the dynamic of wherever I was.鈥�

He speculated that Trish resorted to speaking up on social media because she was not 鈥渢aken seriously鈥� by their shared group of friends.

鈥淥ne of the things she would say in chats that she was upset that her friends that knew about it still talked to me or wouldn鈥檛 do anything about it upfront,鈥� he said. 鈥淚t was difficult for them. I wouldn鈥檛 know what to do either as a friend except to be there for the victim.鈥�

He said he noticed that their friends would interact with him less, 鈥渂ut they didn鈥檛 cut ties or confront me.鈥�

鈥淓ven back then 鈥� and now 鈥� I understand why she鈥檇 be upset. I wanted to talk to someone else about it but I didn鈥檛 know what to do,鈥� he explained.

He thinks that if he had tried harder to address the issue, she would have been less angry. 鈥淪ometimes when you think you鈥檙e giving your effort to help someone or to remedy a relationship, sometimes it鈥檚 not what they鈥檙e looking for,鈥� he said.

鈥淓ven if we鈥檇 confronted and talked about it, in retrospect I could鈥檝e handled it better because I never really asked directly what she wanted me to do about it or what she wanted.鈥�

鈥楢m I a good person?鈥�

One of the concerns brought up by those who are critical of call-out culture is that it could affect the reputation of the person called out. It is argued that one social media post has the potential to derail careers and impact personal relationships.

Bryan opened up about the call-out to his teammates and boss to share his side. 鈥淢y manager was the one who approached me because he found out about it. He was asking me if I was OK; he let me take a few days off from work. They were very understanding,鈥� he said.

It was quitting the band that took a toll on him. He said it put him in a 鈥渜uarter-life crisis鈥� with weekends freed up; it gave room for anxious thoughts and issues he had been distracted from.

He was also reeling from the call-out and what it said about him as a person. 鈥淎 few days after, I started to feel terrible,鈥� he said, citing some 鈥減retty vicious鈥� comments. He said these were from people who were strangers or acquaintances who were 鈥渕isinformed.鈥�

鈥淚t amplified my insecurities. It made me doubt, am I a good person, am I an OK person?鈥� He admitted. 鈥淚 started to become more down, I had less ways to express because a whole part of me was gone from me and I didn鈥檛 know what to do.鈥�

Immediately after the incident, neither he nor Trish had sought professional help. It was only after the call-out that his mom suggested he see a therapist. 鈥淚 wish I talked to a therapist before. My therapist is great,鈥� he said.

When asked if he would go back to music, he shook his head. 鈥淚t鈥檚 painful. I don鈥檛 really wanna explain. Even if I liked it, I can鈥檛 right now. I wouldn鈥檛 feel right, I wouldn鈥檛 be comfortable.鈥�

No public apology

Bryan considered issuing a public apology after the call-out, but reconsidered after talking to his therapist and to close friends.

鈥淚 wanted to say something. Something the victim would tell me always is that you鈥檙e not owning up to it,鈥� he explained.

He said he realized that 鈥渙wning up to it doesn鈥檛 always mean that you have to do something about it publicly.鈥�

鈥淵ou don鈥檛 owe the public an apology. You at least owe the person,鈥� he quoted the advice given to him.

Trish, however, was displeased with the statement released on the band鈥檚 official Facebook page, describing it as 鈥渨atered down.鈥� She felt that it was a 鈥渃over-up鈥� for stating that he merely left for 鈥減ersonal matters.鈥� There was no apology or mention of the details of the incident in the separate statements from Bryan and his bandmates.

Without Trish鈥檚 knowing, there were some netizens posting screenshots of her call-out on the comments section. She said she did not feel like someone had to speak for her and left comments on the page herself. However, her own comments got deleted, which she took as being 鈥渟ilenced.鈥�

If initially Trish wanted privacy on the issue by posting to a limited audience on Instagram, she decided to post her allegations on Facebook with a new account. 鈥淚 didn鈥檛 mind being silent but I minded that I was being silenced,鈥� she explained. 鈥淚t鈥檚 already here, why are you still trying to cover it up?鈥� As of writing, her statement is still up on the comments section of the band鈥檚 page.

Handling a social media crisis

Jason Cruz, executive strategy director for ad agency Wizard Manila, admits that calling out on social media can be divisive, but 鈥渋s effective because it puts accountability in the hands of people who are doing the abused party wrong.鈥�

鈥淎nd because it鈥檚 on social media, you can鈥檛 hide it. Once it鈥檚 posted, it鈥檚 forever,鈥� he said.

His advice for those faced with an accusation online? Do not panic, and there is no need for a public apology鈥攗nless you are a public figure. 鈥淚 think you need to tell as many people as you can that you鈥檙e repentant. That鈥檚 public records. People will hold you accountable for your apology. I think [especially] government officials, company heads, celebrities,鈥� he said.

鈥淐elebrities have an insane amount of power. They affect how people think, rightly or wrongly,鈥� he said. 鈥淭o see that they鈥檙e willing to change, and they are repentant, might be a good example to younger fans and followers.鈥�

On how not to apologize, he said, 鈥淎 lot of celebrities, the way they apologize is a non-apology with a defiant tone. 鈥楽orry na, tao lang (Sorry, I am only human),鈥� that鈥檚 very defiant.鈥�

鈥淚 think a genuine, honest apology is how you would apologize to your parents,鈥� he explained. 鈥淚 was raised in a single-parent home, so the last thing you want is to fracture that relationship. So when there鈥檚 a mistake, and my mom taught me this, if she was wrong, she says sorry. But she doesn鈥檛 explain why she did something because for her, [there is no point in explaining, someone got hurt]. It鈥檚 not my right to explain what I did.鈥�

鈥淚 think the longer you go without saying sorry, the worse it is,鈥� he said.

He cited the case of Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps who quickly apologized after he was snapped taking a hit of marijuana from a bong in 2009. 鈥淚 think he realized, 鈥榦h right, I have kids who look up to me.鈥欌��

Cruz noted, 鈥淚t helps if you鈥檙e a fairly decent human being; [if] you admit quickly that you made a mistake. The world is forgiving [especially] in the Philippines.鈥�

Psychology of a sexual abuser

Social worker Nellen dela Fuente, 35, has been working in the rehabilitation of sexually abused street kids in the crisis intervention and recovery center Tahanan Sta. Luisa, located in Antipolo, Rizal.

During the course of her work, she has gained an understanding of abusers, stating in an interview with 好色先生TV that they are those you do not expect 鈥� one should not stereotype because an abuser can look decent and respectable in society. In many cases, perpetrators have experienced abuse or neglect themselves during childhood and have not been able to properly process their feelings about it.

鈥淢ost abusers do not understand why they commit the [abusive] acts,鈥� dela Fuente said. For her, those who do not accept that they have any wrongdoing need to be imprisoned. But for those who seek healing, she believes they should be assessed and rehabilitated. For those called out, she advises apologizing in person and seeking spiritual healing.

鈥淚t is such a burden especially if you are not forgiven. When you admit it and feel sorry about it, but the person you abused does not accept the apology, that is a big burden to bring as you grow older,鈥� dela Fuente explained.

She said if an abuser approaches you for help, your reaction should be similar to how you would treat someone who is abused: with listening and no judgement. 鈥淚t is a privilege to the one who was shared to 鈥� it means they are calling for help.鈥�

Dela Fuente said depending on what is shared to you and if you know the person鈥檚 character well, reminding the abuser that s/he is a good person helps.

She warned that when an abuser doubts his or her character, s/he can commit acts worse than what was initially committed: 鈥淎lways [remind] him or her that s/he is a good person. One word like that to an abuser can do good.鈥� JB

(Coming out tomorrow, part three of this series.)

[Editor鈥檚 note: The real names of the parties, whenever noted (*), have been withheld per their request.]

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